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Writer's pictureSarah Peachey

Understanding the Dreaded 'After'

Updated: Mar 13, 2019


I watched a really sweet video recently on a Facebook page I follow. It was a Navy service member who arrived home after a deployment. His wife was holding a sign, but as she lowered her sign, she showed him a swollen belly, announcing her pregnancy. Somehow she managed to keep it a secret the whole time he was gone (I'm too quick to blab). As her husband stared in awe (or maybe denial/disbelief) they embraced, kissed, and the video ended.

Photo by Sarah Peachey

I don't usually read comments on stories like that, but on this particular day, I curiously scrolled down. This particular video was not posted to a military page, so some comments came from individuals who have never experienced a redeployment (or the more positive, "homecoming").


The comments proved this.

Many comments mentioned the "awkwardness" of the couple interacting. Some even wondered why the husband wasn't more excited to see his wife or why the wife wasn't more romantic toward her husband.


There is a reason that homecoming videos are often referred to as "reunion porn" by many military family members. 


Don't get me wrong. Reunions are a beautiful thing to watch. I love all of the videos: service members greeted by their pets, service members surprising their children in school (or any surprise video), or the simple couple reunions.


I had the heartwarming experience to watch families reunited at redeployment ceremonies when I was a young reporter on a military installation. Fathers seeing a baby for the first time. Parents gobsmacked by how tall their children are. Service members surprised at seeing their spouse in person after months of separation. Tons of smiles, kisses, warm embraces. Military homecoming ceremonies are truly tear-jerking experiences.


But no one ever covers the "after."


The "after" is a very difficult period for everyone involved: service member, spouse, children, even extended family. 


The military refers to it as "reintegration," and it really is as odd as it sounds. While the military has counselors that try to share ways to ease integration, it's often easier said than done. 


When families are separated for months at a time, all parties involved change.


Children grow and their interests evolve.


Spouses may gain weight or lose weight. They may have gone from unemployed to working a job they love.


A spouse is used to doing everything at home and the service member finds it difficult to ascertain where he or she fits in with the rest of the family.


Couples fight. There are disagreements with disciplining children.


Children may be partial to the parent who hasn't deployed.


Intimacy may be awkward at first or else difficult.


It may be hard for a couple to share a bed (combat stress affects many service members and post-traumatic stress can be difficult to treat).


The service member must adjust to no longer being in a combat zone.


Sometimes families fall apart and couples divorce. The rest of us find ways to make it work, but maybe not the best way, and our individual methods certainly aren't foolproof or without difficulty. 


My memories of homecoming are very fond, but I can still feel the awkwardness. The Mr. took his R&R only four months into a year-long deployment. That meant we still had more than seven months until he would get home for good. It was strange to hug and kiss him, regardless of how thrilled I was that he was finally home safe, sound, and unhurt. Being alone together on the drive home after the ceremony felt odd.


It wasn't our "normal" anymore after a year apart.


Reintegration was very difficult. When The Mr. deployed, I was unemployed and sitting on student loan debt. When he came back, I was working a fast-paced job as a reporter, even working nights and weekends. There were nights he had to make his own meal or grab something on the way home. He didn't know what my schedule was anymore and wasn't sure how he fit into it.


Rightly so.


We hadn't had to work through any issues within our household for a year and were suddenly trying to do things jointly.


We weren't the solid team we were when he left.


The first two months were rocky, and we frequently argued. Fortunately, we found a way to work through it that was successful for us. We went to the reintegration classes together and attempted to use the skills they offered. We had a book from the post chaplain that we cracked open to help us be on the same page (the book was "His Needs, Her Needs," and I highly recommend it to any couple). 


We did it.


But many families take much longer or don't get to that point at all. 


I can't blame the civilian population for not knowing these things. It isn't something many military family members are willing to bring to light. We don't want to feed the silly stereotype that service members are loose canons. Most civilians understand that service members take time to reach a new normal, but they don't recognize how families may be affected by that change, too. They don't know how long it takes to reach that new normal and how difficult it is to achieve an even keel.


While viewers see the awkward embrace or what they believe is a lack of emotion, military families know all too well what may be running through the couple's heads. We're thankful, relieved, calmer, and full of love and excitement now that our loved one is home, but we know there is some hard work ahead (especially if this isn't the first deployment).


Actually experiencing the encounter is very different than what you may see.

The next time you watch a reunion encounter, online or on TV, remember this: It's normal for those encounters to be awkward. It's also normal for those to be full of love and uncertainty. Because when the dust from the duffel bags settles, the welcome home signs are deposited in the trash bins, and people are no longer saying, "it must be great to have them home," the couple is reaching the dreaded "after."

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