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Construct Your (In)Dependence

Writer's picture: Sarah PeacheySarah Peachey

When you marry a service member, your life often becomes more about them than you. Where you live is dependent on your service member.


You must know your service member's social security number to make medical appointments and, eventually, you rattle it off without a second thought. When someone asks for your social, it seems harder to remember.


Your service member's name is on your ID card along with your own. For a period of time, their social alsoappeared on your ID card.


You can't take charge of your move or your house without a power of attorney specifically stating that you can. That can extend to financial aspects, too.


You quit jobs because following your service member is more important to you than your career. You frequently choose love over career progression.


All of these situations can make you feel extremely dependent on your spouse. It can spark the question, "What about me?"


I recently read an article about this exact situation, and it got me thinking: With so much of a milspouse's life in the hands of the service member, you have to find ways to break the cycle.


We're called "dependents," but we're so much more.


It's so easy to get comfortable being a spouse and a parent, and there isn't anything wrong with that. Our service members need our support. It doesn't take long to figure that out in military life.


But I always try to remind people, there's a you here, too.


That doesn't mean you put yourself ahead of everyone, but it does mean finding out who youare. It's one area of your life that you have complete control over.


It's taking your "dependence" and turning it into independence.


We're military spouses, but we're so much more.


Think about the last time you met someone new. What did you talk about?


When I meet new spouses, I enjoy shifting the conversation from where they've lived, what their husband does, or details of their husband's careers or their children, and turn the conversation to the spouse.


Do you or did you work?


What are your favorite things to do?


Where have you traveled in the last year?


Are there any organizations or causes that are important to you?


You'd be amazed at the number of times I've watched their faces light up.


It's as if we're so used to talking about the military that our conversations frequently go that way. But they don't have to. Find out who youare and help a fellow spouse do the same.

In case you were wondering, milspouses aren't the only ones who may struggle with finding their identity. Psychology Today wrote an article about just that. They suggest focusing on the acronym (because we're so good at that!) VITALS. This stands for Values, Interests, Temperament, Around-the-Clock Activities, Life Mission and Meaningful Goals, and Strengths.


For a deeper explanation of what these terms mean and questions you can consider to help develop your identity, head over at armywifenetwork.com.

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