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Learning To Say, 'I'm Sorry'

Writer's picture: Sarah PeacheySarah Peachey

Updated: Jun 7, 2019

When my brother and I were young, we didn't always get along. My mom still tells this story about how we fought so much that she needed a whistle to act as a referee. Sometimes it was verbal spats. Sometimes it was roughhousing that went a step too far. Sometimes it was intentionally getting the other person in trouble (that was totally me, by the way. Sorry, big bro! You know I love you).


And poor her, because our feuding years lasted for years, though we've been tight for a while now.


No matter what we did, she made us look the other person in the eye to apologize.


I vividly remember a time where I sulkily stomped into my brother's room and begrudgingly mumbled a "sorry," hoping I could hightail it out of there with my tiny child ego still in-tact.


But that wasn't enough for Mom. Oh, no.


My mom always made us look the other person in the eye and clearly say, "I'm sorry for..." or "I'm sorry that I..."


On top of the that, the other person always had to say "I forgive you" or "I accept your apology."


Yeah, Mom laid it on thick. But in hindsight, I've found that she was teaching my brother and me a very important lesson, one I think many people never really learn.


The older I get, the more I see that people don't know how to apologize to one another. We sure can duke it out at times, but very rarely are individuals willing to say that they're sorry.


I'm sure some of this comes from our own egos. When we apologize, we're accepting wrongdoing. We're accepting that we stuck a toe out of line somewhere along the way. Very few of us want to admit when we've behaved badly.


But we often do behave badly.


Every day, people will apologize for being late or squeak an "I'm sorry!" when bumping into someone. But very often, those same people are unable to apologize when they've done something wrong.


Here's some transparency for you: I haven't always had the best relationship with my in-laws. Some of the blame for our problems totally rests with me. After a few years of skirmishes that were really over nonsense (hindsight is 20/20, y'all), it was time for a cease-fire that would hopefully lead to some sort of peace accord.


But what was the first step?


An apology.


I specifically said that I was sorry for how our relationship had gone. I was sorry that I had hurt their feelings and that I had a part in preventing us from moving forward.


And, eventually, that was that.


If we are taking the time to teach children how to be civil and apologize when they hurt another child, then surely we can model that behavior as adults. Even when no one is watching.


Making the Apology

Think back to the last time you had a spat with your spouse. Did you stonewall for a bit and then act like nothing happened? Did you have an all-out fight before finally settling down? Did you actually apologize to each other?


I mean a real apology, not a non-apology.


A non-apology is when someone says something like "I'm sorry you misunderstood me" or "I'm sorry that you didn't like what I said." Those don't count. If your statement begins "I'm sorry but..." or "I'm sorry if..." then you should probably start again.


A non-apology isn't an apology at all, and you shouldn't consider it one.


When we apologize, we are accepting the blame for our part in a disagreement. We apologize for hurting someone's feelings. We apologize for misleading someone. We apologize for making a bad choice. We do that uncomfortable bit where we accept the blame for our actions and own up to what we did wrong. It can be a vulnerable position, so it isn't a surprise that so many like to avoid it.


There's a great quote out there, attributed to Louis C.K., that says, "When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't." I think that's a really powerful thing. We may not believe our own words are hurtful, but the recipient of those words felt hurt. We don't get to tell others how they feel; we must rely on them to tell us themselves.


When this person is someone close to us, we should heed their statement. When we boil it down, I don't think most of us actually want to hurt those we care about.


Maybe you're really great at apologizing to your spouse. But what about your kids?


Let's face it: As parents, we sometimes cross a line. We may yell or overreact over something our child has done, and most of it is done in the heat of the moment. We don't think. We don't consider the repercussions. We're angry, so we react.


But if we want to have any hope that future generations can resolve their arguments, we have to start with children. And yes, sometimes that means apologizing to your kids when you do wrong, too.


Not just saying it, but accepting it

Life is short. We face differences with people. All. The. Time. While we may not always want to work out those differences with acquaintances, we shouldn't hesitate to resolve our issues with those we care about (so long as they are not abusive individuals). That means apologizing, but it also means accepting apologies.


If someone is taking the moment to say they're sorry, to point out where they went wrong (again, so long as they aren't abusive people), then be open to forgiving them.


We will have differences of opinion. We will see situations in different ways. We will likely still have hurt feelings that only time can heal, but be open to reconciling differences, particularly with the people you love. Your family. Your extended family. Your friends. And yes, even your in-laws.


Remember that you can't make it happen

Remember that part about not being able to tell someone how they feel? Well, we also can't make adults apologize.


The hardest part about disagreements with others is when that person really should be apologizing as well, but chooses not to. Having personal experience with this, I know how hurtful that can be. You are making the wise decision to set aside differences and own up about your faults, but the other person looks at you and simply says, "OK." Or worse, they roll their eyes or ignore it.


Most of us would be saying, "What?! Seriously? I just owned up to what I did, but what about you?!"


But in the words of Elsa from Disney's hit movie Frozen—Let. It. Go.


You can't make it happen, no matter how much you want to.


Keep that feeling in mind when you have disagreements with those you care about. Be resolute that you won't be that person.


Finding a way to move on

Life is too short to focus on petty differences. But so often, that's exactly what we do and it throws our families or friendships into turmoil. Sometimes individuals choose not to speak to each other anymore.


How sad is that?


We get angry and we stop talking. We punish our spouses with silence. We hang our child's wrongdoings over their heads. We refuse to move past something our in-laws did to us. We're willing to choose to stand on whatever our side of "right" is, rather than gouging a chunk out of our ego, admitting where we went wrong, and paving a smoother path together.


Please don't do that. It hurts so many more people than just yourself.


How do we prevent that from happening?


We say we're sorry.


We accept apologies.


And we find a better way to handle our differences in the future.


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